i learned how to rollerblade today and it was awesome! ^_^ i think the reason i'd never tried before was clichรฉ enough; i'd always been afraid of falling. i've iceskated a few times before and had a pair of barely worn rollerskates as a child, but i never felt like i could fully commit to the idea of just taking off and skating away without some voice casting doubt in the back of my head. and so, for 21 years and 8 months, i'd robbed myself of this joy just because i was too afraid to even try! i joked for years that i was my own worst enemy, but how much did i do over time to actually try and change that? how many joys have i stopped myself from indulging in because i was afraid of failing, falling, or more pathetically, just being mediocre at it?
rollerblading and swimming at the beach and writing here on this blog. all things that makes me feel like i'm free. my worries melt away and even if i have trouble breathing or a knot in my chest initially, i can untangle it little by little, unspooling all my doubts. you make me feel like this, too, like whatever knot of sadness, pain, discomfort, yadda yadda that's troubling me can be gently unwound until i feel at peace again. and i love how much you want to see me try and do all these things i said i'd do, things i'd wanted to do for a long, long time, things that might at first make me uncomfortable but will ultimately make me happier. i don't understand how you could be so determined to do all this for me despite not knowing me for so long, but i appreciate it more than words can describe. i just get so comfortable with only being comfortable that i forgot how rewardingly free it is to be able to dive straight into something a little bit scary. when i talk with you and share whatever's on my mind, i feel like i can sneak a glimpse of a future where i am so much more than what i've been comfortable with in the past few years. i'd wanted to write and journal and blog since high school but was always too afraid. in the past few days, though, i've been itching to update this site more all week! because i know you're reading and you care. despite all the turmoils i've felt in the past weeks, i've felt like i've been soaring. i don't want this feeling to fade.
writing this here because im too chicken to say it elsewhere you'll see this when you do i guess my whole everything just feels so off i think it's set in tonight how much it affects me how you feel and i feel something's off and i don't know i do not know how to stop thinking about you it's incessant. do you stop thinking of me? what am i supposed to do? i just realized i'm missing so many punctuation marks. hahahaha. oh wow i just typed something so embarrassing out i think i'm still scared of it. i'm so scared. how do you silence that fear? what helps you keep going? more than anything, more of being hurt myself, i'm scared of hurting you. i feel so fucking paralyzed.
typing this on the river by dotonbori in osaka yesterday i saw the three of them hanging out without me i have never felt farther away from them. i rhink i might be the problem here in destroying that group. but it seems they are doing quite alright without me.
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