it is horrible of me to lie and push away what obvious kindness i've been shown. i like to pretend i'm okay so it's easier to hide from how terrified i am of being seen as a burden. many times when i cry, i hate how strongly i feel everything and how little control i have over my emotions. for the longest time, i've always been afraid that if somebody were to find out just how hot my emotions burn, they would turn right around and run. because, because, because, what if i have been unreasonable the entire time? there i go, crying again. should we feel bad? watered tenderly day after day, kept away from dangers in her glass globe. what is there to cry about? i should be able to take care of myself. i should use my thorns, keep myself guarded. it'd be too painful to bear if someone i loved saw how much i despise these parts of me. so i take away opportunities for anyone to see, showing just enough emotional vulnerability to most to lull them into thinking that's all there is, but never in an abrasive way. priding myself in this meticulous portrait of a happy-go-lucky girl with dramatic but ultimately inconsequential qualms. a girl who is going to be okay.
????
but i'm so lonely. i feel suffocated when i stop myself from showing the parts i deem ugly. i balk at an outstretched hand. yet part of me screams at myself to cry for help, to let someone in. to give someone a chance to know me, to see me. how strange it is to simultaneously realize what i'd been craving this entire time was to be truly, deeply, completely seen and being so terrified of that becoming a reality.
is it pride i suffer from then, or cowardice?